I would love you with all of my heart, but I've already given some parts of it away

 So yesterday, I recieved a message from a guy I dated over a year ago. It doesn't matter what the entire message said, but at one part he mentioned how he was still bitter over a lot of things. That really got me thinking about the real damage that relationships cause. Relationships have been a big topic on my mind lately, and if you know anything about my life, then you know that, but that message just really hit home for me.
 What is the point of relationships really? I remember being in the end of my 8th grade year and being so excited that I was soon going to be in high school, because it seemed like everyone in high school had a boyfriend. Looking back now, I wish I could have slapped 14 year old me. Why was I so excited to have a boyfriend? I've always had self esteem issues and I know that was a big part of it. I also felt like I was the last girl in the world that hadn't really dated anyone, and I just thought it made someone "cooler" when they had a significant other. Over the four years of highschool and the one year I've been out of high school, I dated 7 guys. But what did I really gain from these relationships? I ended up getting hurt, I hurt people, I hurt friendships, I completely lost focus on God at one point, I dealt with depression and other issues, I pushed my family away, I wasted time, money, emotions and much more. Does that sound like fun to you? No? Then why does everyone think that dating is such an amazing thing? I can say that thankfully I do have a friendship with my most recent boyfriend, But why couldn't all of these relationships just be friendships? If I would have done that, I would have seen early on that those relationships were not God's plan.
 A big problem we have is that people are incredibly selfish. We are always trying to please ourselves. Why else would we get into relationships? We want our physical or emotional needs filled. But how many times do we actually think about the other person involved? How is this relationship going to effect this persons life, time, emotions, relationship with God, relationship with friends and family, etc? We never think about those things.
 I think another problem people have is they think they need to "try out" a lot of people before they find "the one." I had a friend once that tell me that she believed that you need to kiss as many guys as possible and sleep with quite a few before you're married. Um really? I'm sorry but does no one realize that one day they could be married and you're going to have to look at your spouse and tell them the truth about your past? How is that going to make you feel? How is that going to make them feel? Why do people feel they need to "practice" before getting married? Joshua Harris in I Kissed Dating Goodbye makes a good point about dating. I'm not going to quote it exactly, but he says something along the lines that if you go from relationship to relationship so you can practice what it's going to be like to be in one that lasts forever (marriage) how are you going to last in marriage? It obviously shows that you can't commit. Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce these days?
 Another thing, when it comes to "practicing" the physical side of it. Like my former friend said, she felt that she needed to have a lot of physical experience before marriage. Why do people feel that way? Once you marry someone, you're going to have plenty of time to "practice," you're going to have the rest of your life actually.
 I also have a problem with people thinking that they "own" someone because they're dating them. How do you own them? God is the true owner of that person and I don't see a ring on their finger so they're not yours at all, sorry. This is why I believe that a relationship should go in an order similar to this: friendship, deeper friendship once you feel that that person could be the person you marry, engagment, marraige. To some people that may seem extreme, but when you think about it, what's so extreme about it? It's actually a lot less extreme than the world's view of dating. This way, there isn't a ton of wasted emotion and hurt. The friendship isn't about to get into anything more serious than that unless the two people feel that God has told them that they can move it in the direction of engagment.
 So going back to what the title says, I would just say to give the way you're dating more thought. When you one day say "I love you will all of my heart" to your spouse, how much of your heart are you actually going to be able to give them?

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On a kind of related note, God has recently spoken to me that he wants me to be single (which is why i very recently became single) and I am stoked about this. I just know that God has some awesome plans for me in the future and I know I can't do these things unless I have my full attention on God. God has already done AMAZING things in my life and I'm stoked for the future!

Today

Today was a good day and this is why:
-It was sunny enough to wear shorts! Even though I still have bug bites completely covering my legs
-I attempted to make oatmeal for the second time, and actually succeeded. It was amazing
-I got to have a nice conversation with my sister and most of the refuge girls over skype
-I decided to wear make up today for the first time in a long time, just for the heck of it
-I mopped the kitchen. Clean floors just make me a happier person
-I watched despicable me for the first time and loved it
-I had left overs from my dinner last night so I didn't have to do any cooking today
-I went to the orphanage today!
-I was finally able to meet the special needs kids there and take a walk with them. That seriously made me so happy
-I got to spend time with my favorite little baby at the orphanage and he was all smiles the whole time!
-I got some great stuff outta the good book today as soon as I woke up
-I'm just in a good mood
-I'm usually always in a good mood here though. Ecuador is truly amazing, and so is the wonderful life that God has blessed me with

(:

Shell

 So this last weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to travel with Katelyn, Julianna and Mrs. Shedd to the town of Shell near the jungle. I first went to Shell back in the beginning of January and I fell in love with it. It's a cute little town and it doesn't have danger like Quito does, which I love. It's nice to walk down the street and not really have to worry about being robbed. Also, Casa de Fe is located, an orphanage, is located in Shell. I love that orphanage so much. There's just something different than For His Children about it and I just love being there.
 While we were there we stayed in a little apartment a couple miles from the orphanage. It was the cutest little apartment. I could have easily lived there, and we were able to stay there for free! It had wood panels on the walls and I just fell in love. The features of houses that people usually find out of date and ugly, I usually fall in love with.
 Our first evening there, we got settled into the apartment, had some dinner, drove around town a little bit and then headed to bed. The next day Katelyn, Julianna and I walked to the orphanage at about 9am. It was so amazing to see the kids again. There were all so happy to have people there that held them and gave them love and played with them. Unlike For his Children, whose mission is to get kids adopted by the time they are 2 or 3 I believe? Casa de Fe is more focused on giving the kids the skills they will need in order to be able to go to college or just survive in the world. Knowing that makes it pretty sad when you look at all the children there and realizing that they will probably live in the orphanage until they're old enough to be on their own. It is a very wonderful orphanage and the kids all seem very happy, but it just makes me sad when I think about how spoiled I've been with my family. I have awesome parents, and even awesome step parents, amazing siblings and amazing step siblings. I've had people that I could call Mom and Dad and know that they will always be there for me. It really just breaks my heart that I have so so much in my life, and these kids probably won't get that. A lot of the children there either have a mental or physical handicap. Most of the children are from villages in the jungle and if you have a child that have one of these issues then it means that the child is cursed, it will curse the whole village and it must be killed. Because of this, most kids are just abandoned and that's how they end up at the orphanage.
 While I was there, I met a little girl named Lucita (That's probably spelled wrong, I'm sorry). She is about three years old I'm guessing and she's missing a foot, her left hand only has a thumb and she has scars all over her body. I really fell in love with this girl and she fell in love with me. She wouldn't let me leave her side for the two days I was there. She was one of the most determined little girls I have ever met. When we would sit on the ground, she would always crawl off of my lap, grab my shoulder for support and then try her hardest to stand up straight. Everytime she was able to get herself to a standing position she would call out for the tias or anyone around to look at her. When they would, she would get a huge smile on her face and then collapse into my lap. It was such an amazing thing to see. She was very persistant on doing everything herself like reading a book and turning the pages by herself, using the bathroom without any help, and crawling into my lap by herself. It was hard saying goodbye to her. I picked her and and said I was leaving and she gave me a huge kiss on the cheek. That brought me close to tears.
 While I was there I was able to hold, play with, tickle, hug and kiss so many amazing children. One little baby, probably about 5 or 6 months old had the biggest and cutest smile I've ever seen. We were told that he was sick and to not hold him so we wouldn't get sick but I just couldn't help myself. I figured I wouldn't get sick so I held him a lot in those two days. And now I have a horrible cold, but it was definately worth it!
 This weekend Ecuador celebrated Carnival. Usually it consists of people throwing water at you, but apparently Shell does something a little different. On our way back to the apartment one day, we walked by a group of about 15 guys. There were yelling Hello! Carvival! and they were covered in black paint. We tried to ignore them but when we looked back, they were all charging towards us. They caught up to us and completely covered us in black paint. It was pretty scary, a little painful and they knocked off my glasses in the process. We then had to continue walking home covered in black paint. Along the way random people started laughing at us. It was definately worth the memory though! That would never happen in the States.  The next day they just threw water balloons at us which wasn't so bad.
 It really stinks that that was my last trip to Shell. I leave Ecuador in two weeks and I just can't believe it. The time here just flew by. It makes me really sad when I think about it too much. I am super excited to see my friends and family again but I just don't know how I'm going to be able to live in the States again. I've been showed a whole new world and going back to my old life would just be selfish. I know that God wants me in the States now though and I am really excited to see what he has planned for me. Hopefully I'm wise enough to listen to everything he tells me. That's what i've been trying to do so far and look where that got me (: I don't feel like this is my last time in Ecuador though which makes it easier to leave soon. This place is just so amazing. I can't just go home and forget about everything I've done and learned here.

 I was pretty positive I wasn't going to go to college. To me, going to college meant that I was going to have to have some career that I didn't really love just so I could make good money, and I really hate money. I would be happy with being poor. Then I realized that going to college didn't mean I would just be stuck in the states with some boring job. I have a heart for special needs kids and If I went to college and got a degree in special education, then I would be able to go to a place like Shell and actually be able to help children, not just visit for a couple days and then leave. I don't know if this is God's plan for me but last night all I dreamed about was being in Shell and helping those amazing kids. I guess we'll see what God's next step for me is.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
                                                          James 1:27

It's not very polite to pick favorites, but this little boy is my favorite. We like to call him the Asian Ecuadorian Sumo wrestler. I can't even express how much I love him. It's too bad they don't give children to broke 19 year olds, huh?

The Homeless man

  So sometime near the end of 2010, maybe November, I drove up to Colorado Springs and met my Dad for lunch during his lunch break. It was a wonderful lunch at a very nice restaurant filled with business men. After lunch, I said goodbye to him and then headed to a starbucks on Tejon Street. It was chilly and starbucks had all its neat holiday flavors so I decided to try something new. While I was there, I decided to pick up my step Mom her favorite starbucks drink. Then I could stop and see her on my way out of town. I left Starbucks and was feeling like a great daughter for getting Patti her favorite drink. I was also excited to drink my coffee which I decided I wouldn't try until I was in my car. I was walking down the sidewalk and I noticed a lonely looking homeless man in his forties maybe. It's not unual to see homeless people in downtown Springs, but this guy stuck out to me for some reason. A thought suddenly came to my mind, "You should really say hi to that guy and offer him your coffee, you haven't even touched it yet." I thought about this for a second, but then fear and selfishness started to fill my mind. "What if he doesn't say hi back?" "What if he doesn't want my coffee?" "I'm too shy to talk to a stranger." "I really want this coffee!" So, I let fear and selfishness take control and I kept walking to my car.
 I still feel guilt for not listening to God in this situation. And it turns out I didn't even like my coffee. I've noticed in my lifetime that this situation has actually come up a lot. Not exactly the same way, but how God has very clearly told me to do something and I just let myself get in the way of Gods words and I choose to do what makes me the most comfortable. It's time for me to change this. I need to make myself uncomfortable sometimes. Maybe situations won't turn out exactly like I thought they would, maybe I'll be rejected, maybe I'll be embarressed or hurt, but who cares? If I listen to God then he will bless me so much more than I can even imagine. I'm done with my homeless man attitude.

"Tell them everything I command you; do not omit a word." Jeremiah 26:2

Mindo

So on Friday afternoon, four young adults and I boarded a bus in Quito and headed two hours towards the coast to a little town named Mindo.
 The bus ride there made me feel quite car sick, and although it wasn't too long of a drive, I was happy to reach our destination. Mindo is kind of a tourist town, which means it's pretty safe, unlike Quito. We stayed in a super nice hotel while we were there. It included a pool, breakfast, a room with a bed for each of us and a nice bathroom and it was only $15! The first night we were there we just walked around town a little bit and got something to eat.
 The next day, we had breakfast and then headed into town to start all the activities we had planned for the day. We started the day with a hike. A couple of us rode in the back of a truck to get to the trail. I will never get tired of riding in the back of trucks in Ecuador. The scenery is so beautiful everywhere and it's nice that the cops don't care if you're in the back ;) It was a really nice hike and it ended at a beautiful waterfall with little pools around it. We hung out there for a little bit and then headed back to the beginning of the trail to continue on to the ziplines.
 The last time I went on a zipline was when I was 12. I was hyperventilating the whole time, and it really wasn't even that high off the ground so I figured ziplining above the rainforest was going to kill me. I decided I needed to get over this fear though, so I hopped on the first zipline and hoped for the best. I ended up loving it! Even when one of the workers was bouncing the line! There were ten ziplines in all and the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen.
 After the ziplines, we headed down the mountain a little bit to go tubing. It definately wasn't what I expected. There were a bunch of tubes tied together with ropes for us to hang on to. We all climbed onto the tube raft and started heading down the river. There were some decent rapids and we got soaking wet. I definately think that this was my favorite part of the day.
 After that, we headed back to the hotel so we could shower and pack everything up. We then walked around town a little more, ate some lunch and then headed back to Quito.
 During the day, I had gotten a TON of bug bites on my legs. I didn't realize how bad they were until I was home and I showed Julianna and Katelyn. There's more bug bites on my legs than actual skin, but after that amazing trip, it was worth it (:

Life right now

 So on Monday, I started the Daniel's Fast. You can't have dairy, meat, sugar (or any sweeteners), anything deep fried, white flour, white rice, or anything to drink besides water. I'm doing it so I can develop better eating habits, feel better, take my focus off of food, and I won't lie, if I lose a few pounds, that would be nice too. It seems like usually, everytime I eat, I feel a little sick afterwards. Since starting the Daniel's fast, I've felt great. I have a lot more energy, I don't feel sick and I've made some great meals so far. I'll be doing it until March 21, the day before I leave Ecuador. I want to be able to share one last meal with the Shedd family, and I want to make them a BTS cake that I'm able to enjoy too ;) So that means that I have about 35 more days to go. I have faith in myself that I can do it (:
 It's really crazy that I only have a little over a month left in Ecuador. After learning I was going to Ecuador, figuring out how I was going to get there, where I was going to stay, and what I was going to do there, working hard and saving up money to get here, stressing out a lot about if this was really what God wanted me to do, and if three months was going to be too long, my time here is coming to an end.
 I know for sure now that this is whar God wanted me to do. I feel like this was also the perfect time in my life to do it. I feel it helped me go from being a highschooler to being an adult. I've learned so much here (maybe not as much Spanish as I would have liked to) and I've got to experience so much. I'm so thankful that I'm also able to live in a beautiful house with a wondeful family. God is so great.
 In other news, Riley and I have slowly been going through the book of Jeremiah since I arrived in Ecuador on December 28th. It's really great to have someone that I can do this with considering the church I attend here is in Spanish. I enjoy going there, and trying to figure out what they're talking about, but I really miss going to an English speaking church, helping with Surge youth group and having bible study with Riley more often. So the times that we are able to go through a couple chapters are a huge blessing to me.
 Also is Ecuador, I've had more time to read, which has been wonderful! I read a couple books when I first got here but they were poorly written and filled with wordly morals that I don't agree with. When we went to Quininde last week, I was able to borrow Passion and Purity from someone so I read that while I was there. I had started reading it last April, But I only got about half way through it. It was great actually finishing it. It's a great book that I think everyone searching for a God based relationship needs to read. After I finished that, I started reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which is a more recent book and was actually written after the author read Passion and Purity. Since it's more recent, it's a little easier to read for younger teens and it's written by a young guy so it's very enjoyable to read. I haven't finished it yet but I would still recommend it.
 Well that's my life as of right now (: